Boehner unveils “Plan G” for fiscal cliff; relies on bake sales, car washes

22 Dec

WASHINGTON–fresh off the defeat of his “Plan B” to resolve the fiscal crisis, and following abortive attempts at Plans C, D, E, and F, John Boehner today revealed his latest roadmap for a balanced budget.

At the heart of Boehner’s Plan G is an ambitious bid to remake the Federal Government’s entire revenue structure, moving from reliance on taxes to heavier use of bake sales, car washes, and fundraising carnivals. “My forecasts show we can raise over ten billion dollars just from the Eric Cantor dunk tank,” explained Boehner in a press conference this morning. “And don’t even get me started about the Michelle Bachmann cream-pie toss.”

While some economists questioned whether the trillion-dollar deficit could be closed relying solely on Rice Krispie treats and volunteer dog-walking, political experts were uniformly impressed.

“He’s got a winner,” admitted left-wing pundit Michael Moore. “Americans are always looking to get something for nothing. Not only do we close the fiscal gap without any sacrifices, but the public gets to enjoy some delicious Max Baucus brownies.” Moore started to say something else, but then saw the transcript in which Boehner mentioned the Bachmann pie toss. “Excuse me,” he said, getting up hastily.

Although confidence among the GOP is high, Boehner is rumored to have a Plan H in reserve, just in case some small fiscal gap remains. “I can’t tell you very much,” said a senior aide to the Speaker. “But let’s just say that Powerball isn’t just for individuals any more.” And just in case that plan fails, the aide explained, “we still have Mitt Romney’s ‘unspecified other cuts’ to work with.”

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