Politicians around the world issue Christmas messages of peace and love; promptly resume killing

26 Dec

NEW YORK–a record two thousand international political leaders today issued Christmas messages, virtually all of them calling for peace and praising the fellowship of humanity, immediately before resuming large-scale bloodshed.

“Let us all come together and share in fellowship, for today is a day of warmth and forgiveness,” said President Obama in a special address from the White House, immediately before launching a drone strike that killed twenty-three Pakistani civilians but missed its target, Hakimullah Mehsud, a wanted terrorist.

Ironically, the strike missed Mehsud because he was in Peshawar, taping his own Christmas message. “Although I do not personally celebrate Christian holidays,” he says on video, wearing a red-and-green reindeer sweater in front of a roaring fire, “I believe in the message of universal brotherhood that Jesus taught us.” Immediately after his remarks were broadcast, Mehsud launched an attack on a rival clan, killing dozens.

While North Korea is an atheist state, dictator Kim Jong Un broadcast a “peace and friendship” message today, filmed in front of a Juche Tree with tiny missile ornaments. “Let us all celebrate togetherness and peace,” said Un, “and refrain from drowning the running-dog lackeys in Seoul in a sea of fire, unless they do something particularly loathsome, such as tighten sanctions on our peaceful nuclear program.”

Other contrasting Christmas messages came from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who chose to film his statement immediately after opening his present, a Samsung Galaxy s3 with cool red racing stripes, and Pope Benedict XVI. While the Pope always issues a Christmas message, this year he was caught immediately afterwards on a live microphone rounding up some priests for a rumble with “those lousy sedevacantists.”

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