Smokers, obese confident that 2013 resolutions will be different from 1997-2012 resolutions

1 Jan

NEW YORK–as 2013 began, smokers, the obese, and people with annoying habits of all descriptions were confident that this year, their New Year’s resolutions would finally work.

“This time it’s definitely going to stick,” said Jared Wilcox of Queens, who has been trying to get back to his college weight since 1986, when he graduated from college. “I’ve joined the same gym I joined in 2011, 2009, and 2006, and this time I’m really going to go. I’m totally positive. I even bought an app to track my progress.”

“I’ve thrown away my last pack of cigarettes,” said Sheila Nussbaum, in town visiting friends from Poughkeepsie. “As soon as I finish these last fourteen that I’ve got in my coat pocket, I’m absolutely never smoking again,” she added, lighting up two Virginia Slims simultaneously.

Experts agreed that twenty or thirty years of failure is often just the preparation needed for success. “I can totally quit sneaking marshmallows at work,” said clinical psychology professor David Jiminez. “I mean, I’ve already quit like eighty times. So I know how to do it.”

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