House GOP re-elects Boehner as speaker, just ahead of Kid Rock and the guy from that Geico commercial

4 Jan

WASHINGTON–the 113th Congress got underway today, with the Republican majority narrowly re-electing John Boehner as speaker. Boehner received two votes, narrowly edging out 231 other candidates who received one vote each.

“I am pleased to see that my personal leadership still commands widespread support among House Republicans,” said John Boehner. “The so-called experts who thought I couldn’t win in a field composed of dead guys, fictitious characters, and amusing puns have been proven wrong.”

Among the most heavily promoted candidates were Kid Rock, who polls have shown is the only Republican in the entire country with a net favorable rating, Ayn Rand, and the guy from the Geico commercial who smashes watermelons with a sledgehammer. “That’s exactly the kind of reasoned leadership we’ve come to expect from Congressional Republicans,” said one supporter of Gallagher, the Geico commercial guy. All fell short, however, as the Republican vote fractured badly, both because of strong internal political divisions as well as notoriously poor spelling among many newly elected Representatives.

“I must have handed out five hundred business cards,” said Eric Cantor, “but the guys kept taping them over the television screen to block out the image of Jon Stewart.” In the end, Cantor received one vote, tying for second with Eric Kantor, Erik Cantor, Erik Anteater, and “that guy with the dreamy high forehead.”

Surprisingly, “Mickey Mouse,” a longtime favorite of non-voters, received only one vote. Mouse, seen as a hot favorite early in the contest, lost support when thousands of photos surfaced on the internet in which he was wearing only high-waisted red shorts with white buttons and no shirt. “We don’t need an Anthony Weiner moment of our own,” said Rep. Thomas Massie (R–Ken.). Massie said that he had voted for Chief Casey Ryback, the ex-SEAL played by Steven Seagal in the movies Under Seige and Under Seige 2: Dark Territory. “That guy is totally awesome,” said Rep. Massie.

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