Apocalypse nears as Bradley Cooper nominated for an Oscar

11 Jan

LOS ANGELES–senior Christian leaders from around the world issued a joint statement agreeing that the end days are upon us, with Bradley Cooper’s nomination for an Oscar–for acting–widely seen as the fifth of seven signs of the Apocalypse.

“We still haven’t seen the rivers running with blood,” said the Chairman of the Episcopal Council, Rev. William Hunsley. “But Cooper being up for an acting prize–we’ve got to be getting close, you know?”

Cooper received the nomination for his role in Silver Linings Playbook, a critically-acclaimed film in which he plays a man who has just received eight months of inpatient psychiatric care after watching Valentine’s Day, All About Steve, and The Hangover Part II.

2012 was a bumper year for signs of the Apocalypse. Noted Archbishop Joseph Ngolomo of the Nigerian Apostolic Church, “in addition to wars, famines, and earthquakes, we’ve also seen Jim DeMint join a ‘think’ tank.” Ngolomo also noted that one of the signs noted in the Book of Revelations is “persecutions and tortures to the elect,” which most people assume refers to the movie Battleship.

Pope Benedict XVI also released a statement, in which he warned the faithful to beware of false prophets. “I’m looking at you, One Direction,” the statement read.

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