US government mints, then loses, trillion-dollar platinum coin

14 Jan

WASHINGTON–the delicate politics surrounding the federal debt ceiling took a surprising turn today when Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke announced that the government had secretly minted a trillion-dollar platinum coin, and then had misplaced the coin “behind my desk or something.”

“I definitely had it this morning when I arrived at work, because I remember Starbucks didn’t have change for it,” said Secretary Bernanke. “But when I took it over to the White House to show Obama, it was gone.”

Sources confirmed that an elite cross-functional team from the Navy SEALs and FEMA had been deployed to secure the coin. So far, the team has managed to crash a helicopter and move four thousand people into contaminated trailers. “We feel real close to finding the coin,” said team leader Jim DeMint, seconded from his role leading the Heritage Foundation. “But I just can’t seem to get these pants right,” he said, gesturing to where he had stuck both legs into a single sleeve of his Hazmat suit.

Experts were surprised that the government had gone ahead and created the trillion-dollar coin, a gimmick that would enable the government to continue operating even after reaching the debt ceiling. “This is presidential overreach, and I demand an investigation,” said Sen. James Inhofe (R–OK). “By the way, where can I get some pants like that sweet pair Jim DeMint is wearing?”

So far, Secretary Bernanke has retraced his steps carefully “at least twice,” but the coin is still missing. The CIA offered to assist with the search, and after reviewing extensive signals intelligence and satellite photography, concluded that the Treasury department had a “slam-dunk” nuclear and biological weapons program.

President Obama was said to be philosophical about the problem. “If nothing else works,” he said in a statement, “we can put Joe Biden on the case.”

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