In bid to rehabilitate image, Lance Armstrong admits doping, war crimes

19 Jan

AUSTIN, Tx–hoping to conclude a scandal that has badly tarnished his name, Lance Armstrong made the long-expected admission that he had used performance-enhancing drugs while winning an unprecedented seven Tour de France titles. Hoping to clear the air once and for all, and thus rebuild his reputation, Armstrong also made the surprising confession that he had masterminded the Srebrenica massacre in July 1995.

“I admit that I broke the rules of cycling,” said Armstrong in his televised interview with Oprah Winfrey. “I also led paramilitary forces during the Balkan wars. And I might have accidentally and not on purpose helped Iran obtain some weapons-grade uranium.” After a pause to wipe away tears, Armstrong continued, “I hope this is the beginning of a healing process for all of us.”

The breadth of Armstrong’s confession surprised critics. “We all knew about the doping, and I had my suspicions about his involvement in genocide,” said longtime cycling journalist Edie Flanbuster, “but I was surprised to learn that he had masterminded Enron’s accounting, and I hadn’t suspected his key role in interning Japanese-Americans during World War II.”

Critics generally agreed that coming clean was the right move. “Sure, there’s more to be done, especially with the massacre,” said Flanbuster. “But, gosh, a real sincere ‘sorry’ is a pretty darn good start, you know?”

The confession comes as a relief to the international cycling community, which most people agree has closed the books on the drug-enhanced era. When asked about the Armstrong interview, 2012 points leader Joaquin Oliver of Spain angrily declined to comment. He then ripped his bicycle in half and then threw a car at a journalist.

Armstrong has mostly kept quiet since the broadcast of his interview on Thursday, breaking his silence only to announce that he was now dating Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’O.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: