GOP confounds White House through disciplined program of random, purposeless actions

27 Jan

WASHINGTON–as President Obama’s second term gets underway, he faces stiffer-than-expected opposition in the Republican Party, which is showing a united front as it undertakes a far-reaching program of entirely arbitrary, irrational, and self-defeating actions.

“We’ve tried being reasonable, or at least making some kind of sense, and it hasn’t worked for us,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–Ohio), addressing the Republican National Committee’s annual winter meeting in Charlotte, NC. “That’s why I’m so excited about our new plan of purely random activity.”

Sources close to the RNC say that the program has been underway on a trial basis for the past several months, during which Congressional Republicans first threatened a shutdown, then averted it, then preached moderation, then campaigned on a pro-rape platform, then threatened a shutdown, then averted it again, then supported Obama’s Democratic cabinet choices, then opposed his Republican nominee for Defense.

“Make no mistake about it,” said Senator John McCain (R–Arizona). “There is absolutely no plan here. None whatsoever.”

“We used to have a coherent strategy,” said Reince Priebus, chair of the RNC. “Then we had an incoherent strategy, which we all enjoyed a lot more. And I’m  really excited now not to have any strategy at all.”

Priebus noted that entirely random activity had a “proud, long-standing history” in the Republican Party. “Nixon made decisions on the basis of irrational paranoia,” he observed. “Reagan consulted astrologers. And George W. Bush–boy, what a kidder that guy is–pretended that he was having hallucinations in which he would talk to Jesus.”

In his speech, Boehner explained that a sophisticated algorithm had been developed to guide the party’s decisions. “It’s by the same guys who did Mitt Romney’s voter database, so we know it’s going to be good,” he explained. When asked if he could explain further, Boehner consulted the algorithm, and then said “The future is hazy. Try again later.”

One Response to “GOP confounds White House through disciplined program of random, purposeless actions”

  1. PiedType January 27, 2013 at 3:25 pm #

    Hilarious. Those devious Republicans … this just might work.


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