Boy Scouts to drop anti-gay policies; will also stop burning witches and sacrificing virgins in volcanoes

30 Jan

IRVING, Texas—As part of a far-reaching program of modernization, the Boy Scouts of America today reversed its longstanding policy of not allowing gay boys and men to join the organization. Going further, it announced that it would end other practices that some people would also consider archaic, such as bleeding victims to restore a balance of humors and using human teeth as currency.

“While we continue to hold dear to our beliefs, we recognize the need to change with the times,” said spokesman Ken LaBrea. “We look forward to providing a rich Scouting experience to boys who may be gay or have a stutter, which is caused by demons.”

The Boy Scouts organization has long been admired for teaching boys practical skills such as barrel-making and musketry, but had come under fire in recent years for its anti-gay teachings, as well as its close relationship with the Whig Party.

LaBrea denied that the organization had been slow to catch up to the times, noting that the Boy Scouts have been admitting African-Americans since 2009. He also noted that the Boy Scout Handbook had recently been revised, and now said that masturbation led to blindness “only sometimes.”

“I’m convinced that these changes will position the Boy Scouts to be successful for years to come,” said LaBrea. “Just like a giant snake will give birth to the sun tomorrow morning, and then swallow it again at dusk.”

One Response to “Boy Scouts to drop anti-gay policies; will also stop burning witches and sacrificing virgins in volcanoes”

  1. alienredqueen January 30, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

    I know that this is meant to be snarky and humorous (and it is,) but what I find funny is that many people scoff at ideas you mentioned (the snake that brings the day and night,) yet don’t find it strange in the least to believe in a benevolent guy in the sky who sent his son down to die on a cross, and then get up again three days later, thus saving the world.. What do you think?


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