Senate panel subjects Chuck Hagel to tough questions, paddling; then forces him to shotgun rum-and-cokes

1 Feb

WASHINGTON–Former Sen. Chuck Hagel, Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense, had a rough time yesterday at the hands of the Senate Armed Services Committee. After a tough round of questions about his support for the Iraq war and Israel, among other topics, the committee forced Hagel to strip down to his underwear, paddled him repeatedly, and then forced him and the other pledges to drink a bucket of rum-and-cokes.

Afterwards, Hagel was told to ring the doorbell at Alpha Delta Pi and tell the woman who opened the door that he was “there to lay some pipe.”

“What a hoot!” said Sen. John McCain (R–Ariz.). “He knows it’s all in good fun. All he has to do now is eat a huge piece of raw liver and then prank-call Joe Biden, and he’s in.”

Some independent experts have questioned whether public bullying of cabinet nominees genuinely serves the best interests of the American people, but McCain was dismissive of such concerns. “The Constitution requires us to ‘advise and consent’ on the Cabinet.” He paused for effect, and then said, “I advise the President to send us people we consent to! Ha ha!”

McCain then added some reassuring words. “I know this is a bit rough, but he’ll get a break afterwards. I’ve arranged for him to go on a bus trip with the Florida A&M marching band.”

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