America struggles to feign interest in legality of drone strikes during Brennan confirmation hearing

8 Feb

WASHINGTON–the American public got a rare chance to hear a high-level debate over the legality and ethics of targeted drone strikes today during the hearings to confirm John Brennan as director of the Central Intelligence Agency.

“This issue gets to the very heart of our foreign policy, the definition of American justice, and indeed our national character,” said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D–CA), chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee. “I almost feel guilty for just not finding it very interesting.”

Other members concurred. “I’d like to have a sense of outrage here,” said Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D–MD). “But, really, you want me to get excited about a bunch of internal memos lawyers wrote for each other?”

Republicans were less interested in the debate. “As part of our platform, we endorse killing people under any circumstances,” said Committee Vice-Chair Saxby Chambliss (R–GA). “Terrorists, murderers, Pakistani civilians, people who hum tunelessly–take them all down, and we’ll sort out any legal issues later.” Chambliss later co-sponsored an amendment to legislation reauthorizing the Park Service that would allow any federal employee “to kill anyone anywhere for any reason,” as long as the employee “had a steely glint in his or her eye” while doing so.

Sen. Ron Wyden (D–OR) came prepared with tough questions for John Brennan about the drone strike, but Brennan deftly countered by presenting Wyden with a set of limited-edition terrorist and Predator action figures. The toys are highly classified, so Wyden will only be able to play with them at an unspecified secure facility.

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