Pope resigns to spend more time with his family, allowing younger leader to not deal with various crises

11 Feb

VATICAN CITY–in an announcement that shocked Catholics around the world, Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he was resigning to spend more time with his non-existent family.

After 8 years of ignoring or covering up the sexual-abuse crisis and various financial scandals, Benedict said that his resignation would allow a younger, more vigorous pope to take up the mantle of allowing the church to drift aimlessly. Said Benedict, “Stonewalling and willful blindness aren’t easy.”

“This is an unprecedented step,” said religious-affairs expert David Wilcox. “Not since Sarah Palin stepped down as governor of Alaska has a leader of this stature cut and run with so little notice.”

The future ex-pope’s future plans are unclear. He could take a lucrative role at one of the many Vatican lobbying firms, or look for private-equity work. His name has also been floated as a possible commentator on CNBC or, at a stretch, ESPN. “He’s certainly better qualified to do Monday Night Football than Dennis Leary was,” said a spokesman.

Benedict will serve through February 28th before stepping down. “The extra three weeks will allow him to pass Clement IX (963-971) on the tenure list and thus become the 86th-longest-serving-pope of all time,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Also, he gets to keep his dental insurance through some fillings he’s having done next week.”

Asked whether the church might drift between the announcement of his resignation and the appointment of a new pope, Benedict said that he would be delighted to see such an extension of his legacy.

2 Responses to “Pope resigns to spend more time with his family, allowing younger leader to not deal with various crises”

  1. Robert Nielsen February 11, 2013 at 9:00 pm #

    I heard he’s going to join the private sector. His experience of a running massive bureaucratic and morally challenged organization that is scandal ridden and disliked by the general public makes him the perfect candidate to run as bank.


  2. Nativegrl77 March 11, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    Thank you for the like … the state by state version of the Sequester breaks it down … no distractions allowed … horrible but reality! you have a good sense of humor …i will be back


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