Shadowy Chinese army unit hacks into US computers; changes own PE grades

22 Feb

BEIJING–a secret team from China’s People Liberation Army called Unit 61398 is suspected of being behind a recent wave of cyber attacks on US government and corporate computer networks, an FBI spokesman confirmed today.

According to Special Agent Dan Baker, “Unit 61398 is an elite hacking force that has been able not only to penetrate our digital infrastructure, but to give themselves As in PE and put themselves in English class with that cute Susie Traeger.”

Said Ed Rooney, Principal of Unit 61398’s high school, “The computer said they had been absent nine times this year, but as I watched the screen, it counted down to two.” Added Rooney after some reflection, “I don’t really know why they did it that way.”

Federal cybersecurity officials expressed concern that Unit 61398’s damaging activities could continue. “They’ve already stolen an entire term’s worth of biology quizzes off our central servers,” said Agent Baker. “If we don’t act quickly, there’s a risk they could defeat our electronic locks and access Ms. Donagh’s secret supply of Coke Zero that she keeps in the walk-in fridge. They might even be able to shut down our entire cafeteria meal-planning network.”

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One Response to “Shadowy Chinese army unit hacks into US computers; changes own PE grades”

  1. Reece Cantelon February 22, 2013 at 4:12 pm #

    Hilarious. Nicely done.

    Like

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