Triumph for representative government as Congress does nothing to avoid unwanted cuts

28 Feb

WASHINGTON–Congress today failed to pass a bill averting the so-called sequester, ensuring that painful and unwanted cuts would take place tomorrow as scheduled. Congress reluctantly declined to act in light of a clear message from the American people that they don’t want any kind of fiscal clarity.

“Darnit, we had a sensible, courageous, bipartisan bill just ready to go,” lamented Speaker John Boehner. “But we need to respect the people’s desire that we do nothing.”

“Darn tootin’,” said Roy Stapleton of Kenosha, WI. “I support dysfunctional government. I love following the budget crisis, and the last thing I want is those bums in Washington negotiating in good faith to find a reasonable compromise.”

The public’s preference for partisan gridlock is also the only obstacle standing in the way of common-sense bills such as immigration reform, tax simplification, and financial-sector regulation. “Congress could pass these tomorrow, if the public would just let us,” said Boehner.

At press time, a possible sequester compromise was mooted which would enable the federal government to continue operating for two months. At the end of that time, if no overarching budget deal was reached, a huge antimatter bomb planted in the Earth’s core would detonate and destroy the planet.

“I give that a 50/50 chance of bringing the House GOP to the table,” said Boehner.

One Response to “Triumph for representative government as Congress does nothing to avoid unwanted cuts”

  1. alienredqueen March 1, 2013 at 11:50 am #

    You know that pic/meme going around FB about how much money congress makes? It’s like some cosmic joke. EVERYBODY knows they make an obscene amount of money, and they can approve their own raises…but no one can do anything.


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