Electors to consider “binders full of cardinals” as conclave begins

12 Mar

ROME–as the conclave began to elect the successor to Pope Benedict XVI, Church officials promised that there were “binders full of cardinals” who would make compelling candidates.

Among the shortlist of likely contenders are Cardinal Angelo Scola, Archbishop of Milan. At 71 years of age, he would bring a fresh, youthful energy to the papacy, and his origins in Northern Italy would add tremendous geographical diversity to the church. Sources close to Scola say that he has put forward a radical program which would see him slightly rearrange the Vatican bureaucracy, while reaffirming the Church’s prohibitions on homosexuality, married priests, and contraception.

“Scola is the candidate to beat,” said an anonymous source close to the College of Cardinals. “There’s a strong desire for a European pope–the last time we went outside the candidate, to Gregory III [731-741], he really screwed up the place.”

A strong rival is Odilo Pablo Scherer of Brazil. Although not yet of legal retirement age, and therefore probably too young, “we do love Germans,” said the anonymous source. “That’s why Ratzinger was such a success.”

As the cardinals went into conclave, however, a dark-horse candidate was emerging in Father Brian, the character played by Edward Norton in the 2000 movie Keeping the Faith. “He’s charismatic, he’s thoughtful, and he does good work,” said one expert. “However, it’s been centuries since a non-cardinal became pope. Also, he’s a fictitious character, which can’t help.”

Regardless of who ends up being elected, excitement was running high among the faithful. All around the world, the faithful prepared for conclave, eagerly awaiting the moment when the new pope will be announced, so that they can start complaining about him.

One Response to “Electors to consider “binders full of cardinals” as conclave begins”

  1. alienredqueen March 12, 2013 at 12:18 pm #

    I dunno. Edward Norton would have to beat out Brother Justin (Clancy Brown), and he’s, like, evil, so he’d be perfect.


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