New Pope pledges to cut sexual abuse by 8%

13 Mar

ROME–the College of Cardinals today elected Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Archbishop of Buenos Aires, to be the 266th Pope. He will be known as Pope Francis.

Speaking to a jubilant crowd that packed St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City, Francis laid out a bold agenda of reform, pledging to reduce the sexual abuse of children by 8% over the next ten years.

Going further, he promised the crowd that he would slow the growth in money-laundering and would make “incremental changes” to the governance structure of the Church.

“I promise to you, my friends,” said Francis, “that at the end of my Papacy, our Holy Church will be only somewhat less relevant to the lives of Catholics–not significantly less relevant.”

Experts were impressed by the forcefulness of his plans. “Francis already sounds like the kind of leader who can take the Church into a period of managed decline,” said Vatican journalist Massimo Dellatore. “Let’s see if he can live up to these bold claims.”

One Response to “New Pope pledges to cut sexual abuse by 8%”

  1. Austin March 13, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

    Like all elected officials, he’s making a promise he doesn’t intend to keep. I say it drops 5% tops…


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