Fukushima nuclear plant “perfectly safe” after glitch; residents advised to hide in anti-mutant-lizard bunkers

19 Mar

TOKYO–one day after a blackout took the cooling systems offline, the nuclear plant at Fukushima remains “perfectly safe,” according to one official who was devoured by an enormous, angry lizard-man during a press conference here today.

“Even if a very slight radiation leak were to occur, there is no way that–AAGH!” said spokesman Masayuki Ono. As the giant lizard devoured him, he explained that minor hiccups in operational and safety systems would have “no impact” on local communities.

Prime Minister Shinzo Abe called for calm in a televised statement made in a secret bunker six hundred feet below the surface. Surrounded by scientists working in a last-ditch effort to create an anti-mutation ray, or at least find a secret island where a select group of humans could rebuild civilization, he explained that “there is absolutely no cause for alarm whatsoever” over the latest minor malfunction.

As a precautionary measure, elderly citizens were advised to boil their water, and all survivors were told to flee cities with whatever weapons they could find and dig holes to hide from any giant lizards, moths, or turtles. “Just to be on the safe side,” said Abe, as he boarded a rocket ship that will take him to a secret colony of survivors in orbit around the moon.

Shares of Tepco, the Japanese utility that owns Fukushima, were down 2.6% at 3pm local time, at which point the Tokyo Stock Exchange was destroyed by Japanese fighter-bombers seeking to destroy a colony of radiation-enhanced ant-men nesting there.

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