Traditional families start collapsing by the millions as Supreme Court hears ruling on same-sex marriage; post-apocalyptic carnage only weeks away

26 Mar

TOPEKA, Kan.–as the Supreme Court considers striking down state bans on same-sex marriage, this heartland city has all but degenerated into “Mad Max”-style social collapse.

“Sure, my wife and I were happy,” said Richard Smithers. “Then I heard that dudes could marry each other in Massachusetts, and I figured I’d just leave home, shack up with two Nepalese dwarfs, and start robbing motorists of their dental fillings.”

The warnings of social conservatives that traditional marriage was under threat, so long dismissed by blue-state knuckleheads, have proved prescient. “I knew we were in for a wave of man-dog marriage,” said former sweater-vest spokesman Rick Santorum. “But I didn’t realize just how bad it was going to get.” Across Santorum’s home state of Pennsylvania, traditional industries such as financial services and manufacturing have now largely been replaced by sex-crazed biker gangs selling crystal meth and even Franklin Mint commemorative plates, all in anticipation of a possible Supreme Court ruling.

“Heck, I like these changes,” said Pete Kerpaulin of Dallas, who has recently married his long-time Burmese python companion, Hissy, and joined a Satanic cult. “I mean, I liked my old life, with the wife and kids, too, but if we’re going to allow gay marriage in this country, I figured I needed to get out there and make the most of it.”

The Supreme Court is expected to issue its ruling later in the year, or whenever the canned food and ammunition in its underground bunker runs out.

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2 Responses to “Traditional families start collapsing by the millions as Supreme Court hears ruling on same-sex marriage; post-apocalyptic carnage only weeks away”

  1. alienredqueen March 26, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

    Yeah, straight people wanna be the only ones who cheat on their spouses and get alimony.

    Like

  2. PiedType March 26, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

    It’s the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine.

    Like

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