CIA reports North Korean scientists close to developing “significantly angrier” rhetoric; Pentagon to deploy $3 billion earplugs

29 Mar

WASHINGTON–according to a recent National Intelligence Estimate, North Korean scientists are working round-the-clock to complete what is described as “way meaner-sounding complaints” about the United States and its allies. According to the NIE, the new rhetoric will be “orders of magnitude more irritating” than the current repetitive “Yankee dogs” and “imperialist scum” that are regime staples today.

The report is much more pessimistic than one released two years ago, when Pyongyang was still thought to be years away from a capability to deploy “really nasty insults.” Analysts ascribe the rapid progress to the new, more talkative regime of Kim Jong Eun, as well as additional sarcasm technology purchased from Iran.

“I don’t want to sound alarmist,” CIA Director John Brennan said, “but at their current rates of progress, the North Korean regime will be able to really get us steamed up.”

Sources close to the Pentagon say that the American military is working on counter-measures in the form of enhanced yo-mama jokes, as well as passive defenses in the form of “listening de-enhancement devices,” or earplugs. Unfortunately the earplugs program is six years behind schedule and more than $25 billion over budget, causing some to question whether American soldiers in South Korea will be forced to hum loudly or listen to their iPods in order to maintain combat effectiveness.

President Obama was said to be following the situation closely. “The nightmare scenario would be if somehow North Korea got access to the Tea Party’s incoherent-rage technology,” said Director Brennan. “Or worse still, if Kim Jong Eun and Donald Trump managed to combine hairstyles.”

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One Response to “CIA reports North Korean scientists close to developing “significantly angrier” rhetoric; Pentagon to deploy $3 billion earplugs”

  1. PiedType March 29, 2013 at 2:09 pm #

    LOL! This is one of your best!

    Like

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