New NRA report recommends arming teachers, priests, receptionists, movie buffs, children

3 Apr

WASHINGTON–the NRA today released a new plan to reduce gun violence by placing more guns in schools, airports, churches, medical offices, movie theaters, malls, grocery stores, government buildings, post offices, wishing wells, double-decker buses, frozen-yogurt stands, sidewalks, escalators, and miniature golf courses.

“The next time you’re in a crowded bar full of drunk crazies, and people start pushing each other,” said Asa Hutchinson, the former Congressman who produced the report, “imagine how much safer you’ll feel, knowing that they all have guns within easy reach.”

As Congress prepares to take up gun legislation next week in the wake of the Newtown massacre, Hutchinson urged them not to pass President Obama’s proposal for a two-day waiting period before a ten-year old can buy an assault weapon with cop-killer bullets. “That’s just one step away from Nazi Germany,” he said.

The NRA report asks citizens to imagine a future in which “everyone you see is only a few seconds away from spraying lead in all directions,” thereby providing “that sense of security you want for yourself and your children.” The 225-report then goes on to explain which guns are the most “totally rad” for “shooters of all ages.”

“Remember, guns don’t kill children,” said Hutchinson in a press conference. “Children kill children.”

4 Responses to “New NRA report recommends arming teachers, priests, receptionists, movie buffs, children”

  1. PiedType April 3, 2013 at 12:17 pm #

    Or for those who don’t want to buy a gun, how ’bout a “Rent-a-Gun” kiosk at the entrance to every shopping mall, theater, stadium, bar, school, etc?


    • twissblog April 4, 2013 at 8:25 am #

      Hey, that makes a lot of sense. Or for tourists who don’t want to check luggage, but still want to carry–the motto could be “Pack light, but still pack heat.”


  2. crazycrawfish April 3, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

    Reblogged this on Crazy Crawfish's Blog and commented:
    This one is for Harlan.


  3. Nativegrl77 April 25, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

    Thanks for the visit … Only in America is all I can think of … sad and disgusting


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