In historic first, ten-year-olds will have two-day waiting period to buy assault rifles

11 Apr

In historic first, ten-year-olds will have two-day waiting period to buy assault rifles

WASHINGTON—demonstrating his mastery of the legislative process, President Obama has all but secured passage of his landmark gun-control bill, which will require children under the age of twelve to undergo a background check before buying an assault rifle with a high-capacity magazine.

“The naysayers told us we couldn’t restrict gun rights,” said Obama, glowing with victory. “But this triumph for common sense will prevent young children from buying deadly weapons without at least a slight encumbrance or delay.”

The final bill is less aggressive than Obama’s original proposal, which would have banned outright the sales of fully automatic weapons to children. Most experts agreed that such a restriction was a mere pipe dream in today’s political climate.

“Look, my hat’s off to him,” said Bill Maher. “Maybe, years in the future, we might be able to build on this success and prevent the sale of cop-killer bullets to ex-felons who have made explicit threats against public figures.”

The NRA was clearly fuming after being outmaneuvered by the President. The blow was softened by a last-minute face-saving agreement which would permit the private ownership and use of tanks, artillery, and flamethrowers without restrictions. “But the background check still stings,” said Wayne Lapierre. “I guess this Administration thinks little kids don’t have any Second Amendment rights.”

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