Politicians come together to complain about inability to exploit Boston tragedy

17 Apr

BOSTON–as the investigation of the tragic Boston Marathon bombing ended its third day without any indication of who was behind it, politicians from both parties expressed frustration that they were losing valuable time to exploit the senseless deaths for their own ends.

“I mean, I’m sure this can ultimately be traced back to the President’s failed policies,” said Rep. Eric Cantor. “But if I’m going to use the attack to raise money, we need some progress, before everyone moves on. I don’t think the FBI understands that control of the House in 2014 may be at stake here.”

Democrats were no less indignant at the slow progress. “I’m hoping it’s some militia member, or maybe an ex-felon who had his gun rights restored,” said Sen. Harry Reid. “Maybe he’s even from Texas and mad about the election. That would be, you know, a dream scenario.”

At press time, members of Congress were advancing a range of theories. Sen. Rand Paul suggested that the shrapnel-packed pressure cookers might somehow have been placed by a malfunctioning Predator drone. “There’s just so much we don’t know,” said Senator Paul.

Duelling bills have already been advanced in Congress. Democrats have suggested a waiting period before the private sale of pressure cookers, while Republicans are promoting an alternative that would allow athletes to carry concealed bombs on them for deterrence reasons.

2 Responses to “Politicians come together to complain about inability to exploit Boston tragedy”

  1. alienredqueen April 17, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

    Please, let’s not forget to pontificate on what a senseless tragedy this was, and it’s a direct result of us possibly losing our second amendment rights, or because there are gays in America…or something.


  2. PiedType April 17, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

    You never disappoint. I’m a huge fan.


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