Mark Sanford disappears for 3 days; assures public it is for an affair

28 Apr

CHARLESTON–Mark Sanford, the notorious former governor of South Carolina, took a three-day break from the campaign trail last week in the Congressional special election in South Carolina. When asked by his staff where he had been, he promised them “cross my heart” that he had been having an affair with a married woman in Portugal.

“I know that there has been a lot of speculation that perhaps I was off hiking,” said Sanford in a solemn news conference this morning. “I want to be completely clear on this: I was sleeping with a tempestuous, flame-haired Lisboeta named Catarina.”

Although the electorate seems to be giving him the benefit of the doubt, many still are unsure. “Look, I’d like to believe him,” said local voter Roy Elspin, 84. “But there are pictures on the internet of him coming out of a North Face store, and his ears are sunburned.”

Sanford swore that the sunburn resulted from “making out with Catarina on the beach” and that the North Face photos are not of him. “I’ve learned my lesson on hiking,” he said.

The news comes at a bad time for his campaign, distracting voters from his core campaign promise to be the biggest douche in Congress. “He’s really making good progress on everything else,” said former campaign manager Jason Miller. “He was arrested for breaking and entering into his ex-wife’s house, and he’s debating posters of Nancy Pelosi in public.” Added Miller, “I wish people could stop worrying about this hiking stuff and start focusing on what a jackass he is.”

Mark Sanford debating a poster of Nancy Pelosi. Most media agree that he only lost narrowly.

Mark Sanford debating a poster of Nancy Pelosi. Most media agree that he only lost narrowly.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: