White House frustrated by inability to bomb anything following Boston attack

2 May

WASHINGTON–President Obama today made a speech complaining about his inability to launch a military response to the recent bombing.

The President condemned the brothers implicated in the attack for “not having the foresight…to own anything we could blow up, or to come from a rinky-dink country that we could invade.” He went on to suggest that this was in fact the most diabolical part of the brothers’ plan, “to take away the possibility of a feel-good act of carnage” that could give the country “closure.”

Congressional leaders were quick to agree. In a rare display of bipartisanship, Senators Mitch McConnell (R–Kentucky) and Harry Reid (D–Nevada) announced the “Adopt-a-Homegrown-Terrorist” bill, which would invite small countries to retroactively sponsor the Boston bombers, so that the United States could retaliate against them.

The House immediately announced a plan of its own, which would offer low-interest loans to surviving bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev to build something that could then be destroyed in an airstrike.

Obama’s speech was the third in what has been billed as a series of major policy addresses entitled “Things I Want to Complain About.” His next speech will be about how Eric Cantor isn’t very helpful; after that, he plans to discuss how hard it is to open milk cartons.

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