Concern mounts as Mark Sanford fails to show up for own election-night victory party

8 May

CHARLESTON—former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won a special election to his old Congressional seat on Tuesday, only to immediately stoke fears among his constituents by failing to show up for his own victory party.

“I can assure you that Mark is fine,” said spokesman David Wight. “He’s just gone for a long walk up in the mountains.” When a journalist pointed out that there are no mountains in Charleston, Wight spokesman hastily added “I mean, down by the river.” Wight then took a quick phone call and clarified that “Mark is washing his hair.”

Local citizens compared notes and realized that they have not actually seen Sanford since April 11th, several weeks before the special election. Wight explained that Sanford had “a really disorganized closet” and he had been focused on cleaning it out.

When confronted with other absences, Wight became frustrated. “Look, Mark has definitely been around,” he told his audience. “It’s not like he got arrested for trespassing from Montevideo, Uruguay.” Wight looked panicked for a moment, and then added, “of course, he’s not in Montevideo. And if you go looking for him, there’s no point in visiting the Casavalle Hotel in Piedras Blancas. None at all. Especially don’t bother going to Room 302, knocking twice, and asking for ‘Jorge.’ Waste of time.”

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