Sensing an advantage, Republicans plan sweeping program of internal squabbling and incoherent policy gestures

18 May

WASHINGTON—as the Obama administration lurches from disaster to disaster, Congressional Republicans today outlined an ambitious plan to squander their advantage on pointlessly divisive initiatives with no hope of success.

“President Obama has failed to oversee the IRS effectively,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R—Texas). “Therefore, I plan to propose a constitutional amendment to outlaw homosexuality, now and forever.” Cruz went on to suggest the death penalty for doctors performing abortions and forbidding any gun control of any kind.

Other GOP members were not to be outdone. “I have some serious questions about the Administration’s approach to Benghazi,” said Sen. David Vitter (R—Louisiana). “This makes it the appropriate time to reconsider my law to carve Jesus and Ronald Reagan into Mount Rushmore.”

House Republicans were not ready to move forward as quickly as the Senate. “Before we go proposing any legislation, we need a messy internal fight that alienates the American people,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “I’d like to see some of our truly wacko freshmen and sophomores start just tearing into me, now, while we still have time.”

The White House, in the meantime, unveiled a proposal to take back the initiative by continuing to screw up one cabinet department after another, so that the Republicans can never get the time and attention to put forward their agenda. “You wouldn’t believe what we’ve got planned for the National Park Service,” said a spokesman.

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