Obama will strictly limit drone strikes to two categories of targets: 1) People, and 2) Things

23 May

WASHINGTON–responding to criticism from left and right alike, the White House today announced strict new limits on drone strikes. When the new rules take effect, the President will only be able to use deadly force against, first, “people that could be trouble,” and, second, “anything else.”

“These new guidelines will be strictly enforced,” said National Security Advisor Tom Donilon at a press conference today. “The only people able to change these rules will be the President, myself, our staff, our friends, our staff’s friends, and anyone who manages to find the top-secret drone control room on the third floor of 1345 Wisconsin Avenue.”

Donilon went on to explain that a rigorous new protocol for approving drone strikes would also be implemented. Under the new protocol, to launch a strike, the President would have to nod twice “rapidly” when asked if he wanted someone “taken care of,” or, alternatively, make a gun shape with his thumb and forefinger and pretend to shoot at somebody.

Most civil libertarians were muted in their praise, arguing the new rules do not go far enough in reining in the President’s ability to kill people. Former Vice President Dick Cheney argued the opposite, claiming that Obama had “needlessly emasculated the office of the Presidency” by limiting drone strikes to people and/or things.

“What if a future President wants to attack nothing at all?” asked Cheney angrily. “What about targets that fall in between the two categories? What about cyborgs? What about Darth Vader???”

The White House did not respond to critics, noting that it was fully engaged in preparing the new rules for implementation at the earliest possible date, currently forecast to be December 2016.

5 Responses to “Obama will strictly limit drone strikes to two categories of targets: 1) People, and 2) Things”

  1. panos48 May 23, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

    Article Reblogged by Blogging Around The World – http://www.southweb.org


  2. PiedType May 23, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

    Laughing/crying here.


    • twissblog May 23, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

      Laughing/crying definitively puts you in Category 1. Suggest going inside ASAP.


  3. Demosthenes May 24, 2013 at 1:59 am #

    Reblogged this on Democracy Betrayed and commented:
    I couldn’t have added anything better…so I’m just going to reblog the hilarity! Thanks for the laugh!


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