God tells Michele Bachmann not to run in 2014, citing FEC investigation and tough fundraising environment

29 May

MINNEAPOLIS—Rep. Michele Bachmann (R—MN), the controversial Tea Party figure, today announced that after “extensive prayer,” she had been directed by God not to run for re-election in 2014.

“God said that in light of the Federal Election Commission’s inquiry into the fundraising for my presidential campaign, as well as some tough polling data and donor fatigue, He recommended that I not run again,” said Bachmann. “I have chosen to take His advice.”

God’s advice reflects His greatly increased role in tactical political decision making among conservative Republicans. “God traditionally confined His advice to asking people to run for offices they were hugely unqualified for, like Sarah Palin for VP,” said one expert. “But now He’s getting involved with procedural votes in the House and campaign scheduling.”

Leading athletes have been unhappy with God’s increased role in the Tea Party. “We used to have God helping out with free throws and half-court shots at the buzzer,” said NBA star Kevin Durant. “Now it seems like He’s too busy advising the Texas Congressional delegation to vote against background checks for gun buyers.”

Despite his heavy involvement in her disastrous 2012 presidential campaign, Bachmann still said she valued God’s advice. “Sure, last year was a disaster, and logically I should stop taking God’s advice,” said Bachmann. “But logic has never played a role in my thinking.”

2 Responses to “God tells Michele Bachmann not to run in 2014, citing FEC investigation and tough fundraising environment”

  1. digger666 May 29, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

    Reblogged this on digger666 and commented:
    Tea Party activists may be forgiven for suspecting God may have adopted an entryist policy…and drawing the appropriate conclusions.


  2. PiedType May 29, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

    Thank God!


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