Congress starts new session confident it will pass immigration reform, lose some weight, quit smoking

3 Jun

WASHINGTON—Congress returned from a one-week recess today, vowing that it would put the last few years of dysfunction behind it.

“We’re gonna pass a great immigration bill,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D—Nevada). “Then we’re all going to join gyms and get back to our high-school weight. Everyone’s going to quit smoking. Confidence is high.”

The spirit was bipartisan. “The American people have told us loud and clear that they want us to tackle the nation’s toughest problems,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R—Ohio), working his way through a bucket of KFC. “And as soon as I can fit back into these pants, that’s exactly what I’m going to do, right after we vote again to repeal Obamacare.”

While experts expressed some doubt that Congress would find a way to be productive this session, given its recent track record of stalemate and incompetence, no such naysaying was heard in Washington. “Look, we need to do some serious work,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R—Kentucky). “And we’re totally going to start that in a couple days, right after a few quick hearings on the Obama administration that have no possibility of a meaningful outcome. But right after that.”

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