Hackers blamed as China catches up to US in reality television, enormous portion sizes, cat videos

6 Jun

BEIJING—operating from a non-descript building here, elite hackers from China’s secret “Unit 61398” have been stealing valuable intellectual property from American companies for years, experts say.

“First, the Chinese developed their own hot dogs,” said a scientist with a food-processing company in Ohio who asked not to be named. “Then they wrapped the hot dogs in pastry, and we took notice. And then we saw that they had stuffed the pastry with bacon and cheese, and we knew something serious was going on.”

Entertainment executives noted that Chinese television had made “decades” worth of progress in the last five years. “In 2002, it was all documentaries and classical music,” said an NBC executive. “I turned on my TV in Shanghai last week, and the first thing I saw was a reality show where bowling-alley hostesses train kittens to dance. They can’t have come up with that on their own.”

Grim-faced security experts see no easy way to stop the hacking. “Unless corporate America takes cybersecurity more seriously, there isn’t much we can do,” said outgoing National Security Advisor Tom Donilon. “Losing our edge in aerospace, computing, and defense was irritating. But now they’re striking at the heart of what it means to be American.”

Already, rumors are spreading that America’s final bastion is under assault. “We believe that a leading Chinese fast-food chain, Happy Lucky Chicken, is on the verge of releasing an eight-thousand calorie cheeseburger,” said a food-industry expert. “And it comes in a kids’ meal, where the toy is a handgun. We’re doomed.”

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