Boehner “disappointed” in DOMA ruling; will look for alternate ways to combat gay marriage, interracial dating, witchcraft

26 Jun

WASHINGTON—minutes after the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act, clearing the way for an expansion of same-sex marriage, House Speaker John Boehner (R—Ohio) issued a statement declaring that he was “disappointed” in the ruling. He went on to say that the House Republicans would look at “all options” in their efforts to slow the spread of gay marriage. He also vowed renewed efforts to fight interracial dating, witchcraft, and Copernican astronomy.

“Just because something is popular doesn’t make it right,” said Boehner in a follow-up press conference. “Sure, same-sex marriage may have political momentum behind it, and a lot of people think that trial by drowning is outdated, but the House isn’t going to back down from our principles just because of a bunch of polls.” Boehner added that he was worried that the focus on marriage equality would undermine “the traditions that made us who we are today,” including racial segregation, skull trepanning, and smallpox.

Michele Bachmann made a similar but slightly stronger statement. “I’m disappointed in the ruling, and I urge all Americans to rise up in armed revolt against this tyrannical government and drown the streets of Washington in the blood of the unrighteous,” she said, in words more moderate than those she has used in the past. “Burn this modern-day Sodom to the ground,” she added.

President Obama, meanwhile, was ebullient. “I’m just so pleased with this ruling today,” he said in a written statement. “It’s great to see the nation get to a socially just outcome without requiring me to actually exercise any kind of political leadership.”

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