GOP woos young people and women with higher student-loan rates, additional restrictions on abortion

1 Jul

WASHINGTON—concerned that the Republican Party is unpopular with young people and women, the party’s leaders have put forward an agenda that makes college less affordable and abortions harder to get.

“We can no longer rely on a coalition of angry middle-aged white men,” said John Boehner. “That’s why we’re responding with a series of measures designed to appeal to angry middle-aged white men.”

The centerpiece of the federal GOP agenda has been allowing preferential rates on student loans to expire. “America needs to make itself more competitive,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R—Wisconsin). “And obviously the way to do that is to prevent young people from accessing higher education.”

Additional restrictions on abortion are being pushed primarily at the state level, which will enable the GOP to accommodate the large number of male politicians eager to talk about rape. Said Gov. John Kasich (R—Ohio), “there just hasn’t been enough discussion of mandatory vaginal ultrasounds at a local or a state level recently.”

Immigration reform, which could help the party with Hispanics, is the likely third piece of the puzzle. Leading House Republicans have already started about ways that they can curry favor by undermining the bill recently passed by the Senate. “I’m hopeful that when we vote down the bill, we do so for some totally petty and unrelated reason,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R—Virginia). “Better still would be if we managed to work some racial epithets into the debate.”

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