Andy Murray wins at Wimbledon, cures cancer, defeats pirates

8 Jul

LONDON—Great Britain erupted in celebration yesterday as Andy Murray became the first British man to win Wimbledon since 1936. Shortly afterwards, he announced that during the breaks between games, he had worked out the last elements of a cure for small-cell carcinoma, and that during a rain delay, he had quickly ducked out to the Indian Ocean and rescued an Italian family from pirates who had seized their yacht.

“I’ve never been so happy to be Scottish,” said Andrew McDonald of Glasgow, taking justifiable pride from an accomplishment which had absolutely nothing to do with him. “I would have been happy enough with the Wimbledon victory. But then in his victory speech he outlined a new approach to large-number factorization—what a great day for our country.”

After a well-deserved fifteen-minute nap on Sunday night, Murray flew to Bangladesh, where he proposed a new inspection regime for garment factories that was so effective yet non-intrusive that it was quickly accepted by owners and workers alike. He then proceeded on to Japan, where he developed a new fruit-flavored coffee drink that immediately became the country’s top-selling beverage.

“This is a great day for Great Britain,” said Prime Minister David Cameron, who also played not even the smallest part in Murray’s victory. “I’m confident that this transient moment of sporting glory is much more important than any failure to resolve the country’s so-called deep-rooted social and economic issues.”

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