Perry signs tough new abortion bill outlawing all women in Texas

19 Jul

AUSTIN—stating that his goal was to “protect ladies from unsafe surgical procedures,” Gov. Rick Perry of Texas today signed a bill that would prevent any woman of childbearing age from entering the state.

“Texas men are irresistible,” explained Perry. “Once you let women in this state, they’ll probably be pregnant in minutes, and then they might get an abortion, which could lead to uncontrollable bleeding. So this is just to protect our ladies, really.”

The no-women-allowed law is a stronger version of a previous bill aimed at restricting abortion. Under the previous law, which was successfully filibustered by Democrats, abortions could only take place in clinics that met statewide surgical standards, had at least one doctor on staff with hospital privileges, and had the ability to launch a satellite into space.

Responding to criticism that deporting millions and millions of Texan women would lead to a massive exodus of families and destroy the state’s economy, Perry was unapologetic. “What price is too great to save a human life?” he asked rhetorically, while behind him a half-naked child with whooping cough tugged on his pants and asked for medicine.

A few minutes later, Perry was handed a note by an aide, and interrupted his prepared text to issue a correction. “Apparently in Texas we believe $500 is too great,” he clarified.

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