Alex Rodriguez suspended from baseball for being a rich jerk; also for steroid use

5 Aug

NEW YORK—Major League Baseball today announced that it had suspended Alex Rodriguez, star third baseman for the New York Yankees, for the remainder of this and next season. Announcing the suspension, Commissioner Bud Selig explained that Rodriguez had “undermined the values of the sport” by “basically being a real blowhard.”

“Look, Alex is just a major-league jackass,” said Selig at a press conference today. “The self-pity, the constant demands for more money, the huge houses, that weird thing with Madonna—we just want him out of here.” An aide handed Selig a note, after which he added, “Also, apparently he’s been using some kind of performance-enhancing drugs, we think.”

Rodriguez issued a statement later, noting that “It is every boy’s dream to grow up to play baseball, hire Scott Boras as an agent, become incredibly rich, and then to be a huge twit.” The statement noted that Rodriguez would immediately appeal the ruling, “in order to stay true to my reputation as an ass.”

Rodriguez angrily denied that he had ever used steroids, at one point lifting a car over his head and threatening to throw it at anyone who asked about drug use.

The Yankees issued a statement of their own, in which they noted that “this is a sad day for everyone in baseball, except for the New York Yankees.”

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