Grave concerns as America’s lead in childhood obesity declines

7 Aug

WASHINGTON–sober-faced scientists gathered today to confirm that America’s once-impregnable lead in childhood obesity has all but vanished, according to recent data.

“Every year between 1980 and 2008, American children got fatter,” said lead researcher Dr. Stephen Armbuster. “Even as we lost our head start in manufacturing, in sports, and increasingly in technology, we knew that our kids were the fattest in the world. Not for much longer.”

According to Armbuster, after years of progress, the number of obese children between the ages of 3 and 5 has declined “across the board” over the last five years, even as China has “packed on the pounds” through a disciplined national program of binge eating and exercise reduction.

The White House issued an emergency statement calling for the “moral equivalent of war” to ensure that America maintained its “proud tradition of the fattest people around.” Key elements of the proposal include subsidies for fast-food burgers with three or more patties and a grant program to further research into stuffing food with other food.

“In the past, we’ve come together to face great national challenges,” said President Obama in a press conference. He went on to call for the nation to put aside its partisan differences and reach for the “moon shot” of a pizza crust stuffed with cheese stuffed with bacon.

Chinese President Xi Jinping declined to comment. However, shortly after the press conference, he was seen riding a new model of heavy-duty Segway down the streets of Beijing, snacking on a hitherto-unknown sixteen-inch donut.

“We’re doomed,” said a sober Dr. Armbuster.

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