Obama outsources Syria decision to panel of celebrity judges

12 Sep

WASHINGTON–in a surprising about-face, President Obama today announced that he would not be seeking Congressional approval for an attack on Syria after all, but instead would leave the decision to a panel of celebrity judges, who would sift through the evidence around the recent chemical attack and then choose an appropriate response.

“The choice to go to war is the weightiest decision a president can make,” said Obama in a Rose Garden appearance. “So you shouldn’t be surprised to hear that I’m going to punt on it.”

The panel will consist of Oprah, Derek Jeter, Lady Gaga, Ryan Seacrest, Jay-Z, Don Draper, and Secretariat. The president brushed aside criticism noting that Don Draper is a fictional character, and Secretariat is a horse, calling them both “stone-cold badasses” who could be trusted to make the right choice.

According to the rules laid out by the president, if Bashar Assad is unwilling to accept the panel’s recommendation, he will have the ability to perform a physical challenge, as popularized on the old Nickelodeon show “Double Dare.”

Said a spokesman for the Syrian regime, “President Assad has been practicing, and feels particularly confident that he will be asked to perform the ‘Pie in the Pants’ challenge,” which will require him to don oversized clown pants and catch three pies launched by catapult in under thirty seconds. “He also feels very good about the Slopstacle Course,” added the spokesman.

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