As shutdown continues, John Boehner holds very very still and hopes no one will notice him

6 Oct

WASHINGTON—with the government shutdown continuing, Speaker John Boehner has been hiding in the business-wear section of the Georgetown Men’s Wearhouse, standing extremely still and hoping shoppers will think he’s a mannequin.

“I just thought HQ had spent a little more to show off the Fall Classics line,” said nonplussed store manager Dave Henchart. “Are you sure that’s actually a real dude?”

Boehner’s strategy for resolving the shutdown and the looming debt-limit crisis is to “hold real still and hope that the Tea Party and Obama come to some kind of arrangement on their own,” explained an aide. “He might also pick up some real affordable dress slacks, too. Although it’s hard to tell from the way he’s facing; he might be pointed at the golf wear.”

Frustrated by Boehner’s dereliction of duty, Eric Cantor tracked him down at the Men’s Wearhouse and told him he needed to get back to work. “I know that’s you, John,” said Cantor, talking to the immobile Speaker. “Come on back to your office.”

“The dude was outstanding,” said store manager Henchart. “He didn’t break character at all. Just kept staring straight ahead.” Henchart went on to add that he had assumed Cantor was just some “nutcase who likes to yell at mannequins” and had thrown him out of the store.

As of Sunday afternoon, the government impasse showed no signs of early resolution, and Boehner, according to Henchart, was “steady as a rock. I mean, I don’t think he’s had anything to eat in four days.”

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