Republicans sign budget agreement on deck of the U.S.S. Missouri

16 Oct

TOKYO BAY—the Republican Party today signed an agreement ending the government shutdown and temporarily extending the debt ceiling, as leading Democrats and international representatives looked on.

“Because of events that have developed not necessarily to our advantage, we have accepted the provisions of the White House declaration,” said Speaker John Boehner, as he put his name to the armistice agreement. “This will pave the way for a grand peace for all the generations to come, or at least for a few months.”

Under the terms of the budget agreement, the Democrats have won on Obamacare, taxes, spending, and borrowing. The Republicans won concessions on income verification for health-care subsidies, as well as the right to choose the Soup of the Week in the Congressional mess.

“The deal is less than many of us hoped for, but it’s time for Republicans to unite behind other crucial goals,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “such as ensuring I win my upcoming primary election.”

After the agreement, Boehner convened a closed-door meeting of the House Republican caucus, at which a stormy debate led to a narrow victory for French Onion, followed closely by minestrone.

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