Taliban accused of links to JPMorgan

21 Oct

KABUL—a tentative peace deal with the Taliban has been scuttled by accusations that the extremist group has connections to JPMorgan Chase, the American bank facing a wide range of regulatory and legal challenges, sources close to the talks say. The news comes on the back of reports that JP Morgan is close to settling a range of investigations for roughly $11 billion.

A Taliban spokesman, while taking credit for two car bombs at an Afghan Army base, angrily denied the charges.

“We would never get involved in the sale of questionable mortgage-backed securities, said Ehsanullah Ehsan, speaking from an undisclosed location. “And we would never have supported the acquisitions of Countrywide or Washington Mutual,” two deals that have proven the source of extensive troubles for JP Morgan.

Ehsan, who has defended the public stoning of adulterers under Taliban rule, was harshly critical of JP Morgan’s handling of the “London Whale” case, in which the bank racked up almost $6 billion in losses. “Any fool could have told you that the CIO’s office had inadequate oversight of the UK trading desk,” said Ehsan. “What is this, amateur hour?”

A spokesman for the bank noted that the $11 billion fine was “well within our ability to pay” and that the bank had a plan to “pay the fine at no net cost to shareholders, if all goes well.”

Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan, declined to comment further, explaining that he had an $11 billion bet on tonight’s Giants-Vikings game and didn’t want to be distracted.

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