Obama promises allies “20 percent less spying”

28 Oct

WASHINGTON—President Obama today promised America’s leading allies that he would reduce spying on their leaders by “twenty percent or more” in order to “increase your trust in America even further.” The offer follows outrage over the revelation that the NSA has been monitoring the private conversations of European heads of state for years.

“While the exact figure is classified, I’m happy to report that we will spy on you at least one-fifth less than we have in the past,” the President told diplomats at a closed-door briefing at the White House, sources report. Obama went on to explain that electronic surveillance would only be ramped up in case of extreme necessity, and then only after a detailed review process, which would consist of “me asking some guys whether it made sense, and then nodding a couple of times.”

The White House later released a statement explaining that Obama had not been aware of the eavesdropping until relatively recently. “The specific targets of surveillance are dealt with at an agency level,” the statement read. “Spying on allied heads of state and derailing decades of trust isn’t the sort of thing the President should have to get involved with.”

Sources in the NSA confirm that the spying, which has apparently now stopped, produced relatively little of value. Said one analyst who listened to hundreds of hours of cell phone calls from Angela Merkel, “it was mostly just a bunch of stuff in German.”

2 Responses to “Obama promises allies “20 percent less spying””

  1. michaelulinedwards October 29, 2013 at 7:58 pm #

    What’s going to be eliminated? The stuff about bratty nephews and nieces, or sales of chemical weapon manufacturing equipment to Iran?


    • twissblog October 30, 2013 at 11:08 am #

      I think they’re just going to skip every fifth word


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