NSA provides White House with intercepted talking points for Malia Obama meeting; “allowance” and “homework” key topics

4 Nov

WASHINGTON—rebutting claims that its extensive spying on allies had provided few concrete benefits, the head of the NSA today confirmed that it had recently provided the President with “critical” insights into Malia Obama’s negotiating strategy prior to a meeting on Sunday.

“POTUS entered the negotiations with full knowledge of his opponent’s entry and exit points, as well as the key arguments she was likely to use,” said Gen. Keith Alexander, speaking to reporters at a secret underground location. “Without electronic surveillance, the United States could have faced additional liabilities amounting to dozens of dollars each year.”

Sources close to the NSA said that by monitoring 15-year-old Malia’s cell phone and email, they had established that she was planning to ask for fifteen dollars per week, but that she would be willing to accept as little as twelve. She had also indicated a willingness to accept conditions around her grades as long as they did not require an A- or above in Chemistry, which the subject reportedly finds “super hard.”

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