Rand Paul accused of plagiarizing speech from crazy guy on street corner

5 Nov

LEXINGTON, Ky.—Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) was accused today of plagiarizing his stump speech from Elias Jarvle, a mostly-homeless man who spends his days wandering barefoot around Times Square with a sandwich board denouncing the Federal Reserve, the World Bank, and fluoridation.

“That darn Senator has stolen all my intellectual property around how the gold reserve is the only way to prevent the NSA from broadcasting propaganda about gun control and socialism through my dental fillings,” said Jarvle, wearing a falling-apart army jacket and, apparently, no underpants. “He also copied everything I’ve been saying about how Ross Perot planned 9/11 with the help of the IMF and the Trilateral Commission.”

Senator Paul released a statement in which he apologized for the plagiarism, which he claimed was inadvertent. “Because Mr. Jarvle and I think so much alike, it stands to reason that at times we would use the same wording,” explained Paul. “If I accidentally used his language when explaining why universal health care leads to totalitarianism and also how the IRS faked the Apollo landings, I am truly sorry.”

Later, Jarvle accepted Paul’s offer of restitution, consisting of a hot shower, ten dollars in Subway gift cards, and a speaking slot at the 2016 Republican national convention.

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