Iran rejects nuclear deal on the grounds it would prevent them from making nuclear bombs

12 Nov

GENEVA—talks to resolve the Iranian nuclear crisis collapsed yesterday when Iran withdrew, explaining that the proposed deal does not do enough “to make us a nuclear power.”

“We came here in good faith, ready to negotiate,” explained Hassan al-Khatief, lead negotiator in the six-party talks. “We were surprised and disappointed to learn that the so-called Western ‘compromise’ would not allow us to create nuclear weapons, now or in the future.”

Al-Khatief said that in exchange for an easing of sanctions, Iran had agreed to a wide range of concessions, including VIP seating for American officials at war commemorations, a signed photo of the Ayatollah Khomeini, and a full accounting of the country’s “secret dessert recipes,” but that there had been no response.

“They didn’t even want to talk about it,” lamented al-Khatief. “It was all just ‘uranium this’ and ‘centrifuge that.’ It almost felt like they didn’t want us to have nuclear weapons.”

US Secretary of State John Kerry denied that American policy was to keep Iran from gaining regional pre-eminence. “In fact, we’ve created tools that will help Iran tremendously,” he explained. “All Iranians need to do is go to our website and sign up.”

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