GOP blasts Obama’s “craven” pardon of Thanksgiving turkey

28 Nov

WASHINGTON—Republican leaders came out today with harsh criticism of President Obama’s pardon of a White House turkey, a longstanding Thanksgiving tradition.

“Just another cut-and-run surrender to crime and terrorism,” spluttered Sen. Mitch McConnell (R—KY). “We don’t know what this turkey has done—whether it’s part of the Al-Qaeda poultry wing, for example—or what it might do next. This White House has again shown its inability to defend American interests overseas, at home, or in the dining room.”

Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) noted that the turkey was now likely to become a “long-term ward of the state, propped up by the tax dollars of American small-business owners,” instead of a “collection of juicy breasts and thighs, like Newt Gingrinch.”

Condemnation was widespread, although varied in nature. “Obama’s goons have planted a tiny jamming device in my fillings so that I can’t warn the American people that the Soviet leadership is actually just hiding beneath that giant Wal-Mart in Arlington, biding their time until they can activate their secret beagle army,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) shouted over his shoulder as he was led away by nurses

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