lands on aircraft carrier; “Mission Accomplished”

2 Dec

ABOARD THE USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, ATLANTIC OCEAN—the website today landed a fighter jet aboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln today and emerged in a flight suit to stand before an enormous banner reading “Mission Accomplished.”

Speaking to reporters and the assembled crew, the website noted that in the two months since launch, its failure rate had declined from over 99% to “barely 15%,” and that a web-experience firm had upgraded the website’s usability to “barely adequate.”

“When this administration says it will deliver a mediocre outcome by November 30,” said to the wild cheers of the crew, “it delivers.”

The website then handed out information forms to reporters that were entirely blank, and then noted that to commemorate meeting the deadline, it was changing the birthdate of everyone registering from Oklahoma and Tennessee to November 30, 1888.

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