Kim Jong Un purges uncle for being insufficiently evil, low-rise hair, mismanaging “Hungry Monday”

9 Dec

PYONGYANG—in a development that stunned veteran North-Korea watchers, dictator Kim Jong Un purged his uncle and country’s number two, Jang Song Thaek, forcibly removing him from a meeting of the Workers’ Party.

“I have stripped Comrade Jang of his post for three reasons,” said Kim. “First, he is a capitalist lackey splittist, seeking to undermine our state through treasonous ends. Second, his hair is insufficiently voluminous to represent the leadership of this great country.”

Kim then paused, unable to remember the third reason. After a long gap, he finally said “Oops,” and had all witnesses to the gaffe arrested.

According to experts, Jang had outlived his usefulness now that Kim was fully in control of the military and was tall enough to reach the shelf with the candy on it.

The last straw apparently came last week when two of Jang’s aides were executed for “economic sabotage.” They were sentenced to death after North Korea’s version of Black Friday, Hungry Monday, came and went without “any real doorbuster deals worth lining up for,” according to Kim.

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