Doctors concerned as Paul Ryan demonstrates symptoms of “acute common sense” in budget deal

12 Dec

WASHINGTON—concerns mounted for Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI), once seen as a rising star within the GOP, as medical experts concluded that he was manifesting symptoms of a “profound, possibly terminal case of common sense.”

Doctors first spotted the issue several months ago, when Ryan was appointed to lead budget negotiations with Sen. Patty Murray (D—WA). “Normally, a spell of coherence and rationality lasts several days to a week,” said Dr. David Henhorn, chief of Republican psychiatry at Georgetown University Teaching Hospital. “The normal course of recovery then involves snarky comments, followed by unrealistic demands, finally leading to a full return to narcissistic obstructionism.”

Unfortunately, “Ryan’s case has only gotten worse,” culminating this week in an actual, constructive budget deal “in which both sides give a little and get a little,” said Henhorn, shaking his head gravely.

Congressional Republicans, crestfallen at what could be a terminal case of rationality, sought answers. “I’ve been informed it’s a brain tumor,” said Rep. Ted Yoho (R—FL). Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) had a more sinister explanation, noting that “the Obama-Soviet Kleptocracy has beamed appeasement rays directly into Paul’s brain through transmitters in his fillings.”

Cruz was concerned for other members of the Republican caucus, although not for himself. “Nothing gets by this baby,” he said, pointing to the homemade tinfoil hat on his head.

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