Chinese rover lands on the Moon; immediately begins suppressing dissent

14 Dec

BEIJING–in a sign of China’s growing power, officials here announced that the country had successfully landed a working lunar rover on the surface of the moon.

“I am delighted to inform you that at 0600 hours, the Chang’e-3 rover successfully landed in Sinus Iridum on the moon,” said a spokesman for the People’s Ministry of White Elephant Projects. “The rover has begun to carry out its mission of searching out and suppressing any lunar activity likely to undermine national glory or the cohesion of the people.”

In response to questions as to what kind of dissent the rover was likely to find on the surface of the airless, lifeless Moon, the spokesman produced a list of “accomplishments to date,” which included:

– Jamming any attempt to access the unfiltered internet from the Moon
– Rearranging a group of discolored rocks that “arguably were a disrespectful portrait” of Chairman Mao
– Conducting a tiny, one-rover parade to celebrate National Amphibious Landing Defense Day

According to the PMWE, the lunar rover is just one step in a set of ambitious projects planned for 2013-2015, which will culminate with piling billions of dollars up in the desert and lighting them on fire.

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