US seeks to pacify Iraq by flooding it with weapons

26 Dec

BAGHDAD—seeking to reverse the recent increase in sectarian violence, the United States has recently launched a plan to pacify Iraq by making sophisticated and deadly weapons available to all sides.

“The peace in Iraq is fragile, and could be broken at any moment,” said Secretary of State John Kerry when asked about the program. “Obviously, the safest path forward is to ship a massive quantity of small arms, missiles, and drones to the Iraqi Army, which will then be in a position to distribute them to armed groups of all persuasions.”

Sources close to the White House confirm that the program was inspired by the “tremendous success” of America’s domestic gun-control policy, which has “conclusively proved” that most violence is caused by insufficient access to weapons.

“Right now, only the bad guys are armed, and also most males aged fourteen and above,” explained Kerry. “We figure that if everyone has a Hellfire missile or two up their sleeves, the terrorists will think twice before launching a suicide attack.”

The news was broken by the New York Times, which later reported a “critical breakdown in our irony-detection algorithms” when editing its story.

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